I'm mostly very hetero passing. I haven't locked lips with a girl in over 40 years and someone once said to me "If you were stranded on a desert island with nothing but women, you probably wouldn't sleep alone, but other than that you have no real reason to get with a girl."
So for much of my adult life, I let most people assume I was hetero because I mostly like men and the odds are long against me ever getting with a girl. It's probably not particularly relevant to my life for the world to know I'm not exactly straight.
The only exception being that I have always been careful to let men know early on that there were girls in my past to make sure they would be okay with it. I consider that to be a safety issue on my end and a courtesy to let them know on their end.
If they are homophobic, they don't need to get with me. I consider it rude to not inform a man "This is who I am and you can just walk now if that bothers you."
But also homophobes sometimes react with violence. I'm not interested in being beat up because I locked lips with some guy and then afterwards he learned I'm not truly straight and reacted badly to that news.
The fact that I kissed a few girls from age 11 to age 16 shouldn't really be a thing that makes me feel "I should really have a notification policy and procedure for this issue, just to make sure I don't end up in the ER for kissing the wrong guy a zillion years later." and yet I do feel that way and I do have a policy and a procedure.
Given how very hetero passing I am, this really shouldn't be a thing I think about at all. In a perfect world, it would be a case of me laughing and going "Oh, um, yeah. That was a thing. I did kiss girls at one time, but it was like a zillion years ago. Ha ha!" after I accidentally let something slip.
I don't handle it that way because when I was in therapy in my twenties, I had some testing done and it showed me as testing high for creative ability only the wording also suggested I tested high-ish for bisexual tendencies or something. I don't actually recall the wording, I just recall my therapist being overly eager to reassure me that the test results said absolutely NOTHING whatsoever about my sexuality and just meant I was very creative.
And I went home and I was laughing my ass off and just telling this silly story to my husband because although I was in therapy for the sexual abuse I had endured, I was never bothered by the fact that I used to kiss girls and I was like "Well, duh! Yeah, I test high for bisexual tendencies. I already knew that about myself because of all the girls I once kissed."
This man whom I made sure to tell early in the relationship of my history of relationships to girls interrupted my lighthearted, funny anecdote and snapped at me "You are not bisexual. You are STRAIGHT. You are married to ME and we have two kids together."
So that was the end of that lighthearted, funny bit of silly banter and I made a mental note that "My marriage is probably not going to make it. The man cannot accept me for who I am. Also: Don't casually tell anymore funny stories to the man about having kissed girls."
So I mean it's not like he put me in the ER, so my policy of notifying men upfront was successful in that regard, I guess. But I KNOW I tearfully told him one day that I had been with girls and it was okay if he dumped me over it or some such and he assured me he could accept me and yadda.
I mean I was a teenager and yadda and had attempted suicide not long before this conversation had occurred. I would never again tearfully divulge such info nor have my heart in my mouth about wanting some man to accept me anyway and all that.
I used to kiss girls. It was a long time ago. It's a funny story.
If you got a problem with that, don't ask me for a date. I am not interested in listening to you give me a hard time about it or whatever. I feel fine about it.
So if it is THIS much drama and time and effort and blah blah blah for ME, how much more is it for people who are more queer than I am?
At some point, I decided that my default decision to let most people assume that I was straight inadvertently made life harder for a lot of people who couldn't so readily sweep it under the rug, including potentially my asexual son.
The world having big hangups about such things also helped make Genevieve's life a literal living hell. So for some people this is very much not some annoying but relatively small inconvenience.
No, for some people this is very much personally ruinous and life threatening.
So at some point I decided to do something that is kind of annoying and inconvenient for me personally and be open about the fact that although I essentially have lived as a heterosexual all my adult life, I'm not really hetero. That's not entirely accurate.
I decided to shift the burden to me just a hair and off of other people who are not me and for whom life is more complicated and these issues more burdensome in hopes of making their lives work a tad better and be a tad easier.
And, I mean, I think it's not really anyone's business and I don't think anyone else should feel compelled to wear their sexual wiring or identity on their sleeve. People are entitled to their privacy and ideally we should be able to just not mention it.
But as a practical matter, I think it would help if more people like me chose to be willing to say "Yeah, me 99 percent liking the opposite sex doesn't mean I'm actually straight." and generally give pushback against some of the homophobic, heteronormative cultural stuff that helps make life a living hell for some folks who don't happen to be cis het.
Of course, you can also give pushback without coming out about your private stuff. That can work too.
And ideally someday it will be a private matter and no one will feel compelled to talk about this stuff if they don't want to without that helping foster virulent homophobic violent awfulness in the world.
So I suppose you could say it's a political thing I am doing here. I am doing it for the children -- for my children.
For my biological son and the daughter I never had and others like them.
So for much of my adult life, I let most people assume I was hetero because I mostly like men and the odds are long against me ever getting with a girl. It's probably not particularly relevant to my life for the world to know I'm not exactly straight.
The only exception being that I have always been careful to let men know early on that there were girls in my past to make sure they would be okay with it. I consider that to be a safety issue on my end and a courtesy to let them know on their end.
If they are homophobic, they don't need to get with me. I consider it rude to not inform a man "This is who I am and you can just walk now if that bothers you."
But also homophobes sometimes react with violence. I'm not interested in being beat up because I locked lips with some guy and then afterwards he learned I'm not truly straight and reacted badly to that news.
The fact that I kissed a few girls from age 11 to age 16 shouldn't really be a thing that makes me feel "I should really have a notification policy and procedure for this issue, just to make sure I don't end up in the ER for kissing the wrong guy a zillion years later." and yet I do feel that way and I do have a policy and a procedure.
Given how very hetero passing I am, this really shouldn't be a thing I think about at all. In a perfect world, it would be a case of me laughing and going "Oh, um, yeah. That was a thing. I did kiss girls at one time, but it was like a zillion years ago. Ha ha!" after I accidentally let something slip.
I don't handle it that way because when I was in therapy in my twenties, I had some testing done and it showed me as testing high for creative ability only the wording also suggested I tested high-ish for bisexual tendencies or something. I don't actually recall the wording, I just recall my therapist being overly eager to reassure me that the test results said absolutely NOTHING whatsoever about my sexuality and just meant I was very creative.
And I went home and I was laughing my ass off and just telling this silly story to my husband because although I was in therapy for the sexual abuse I had endured, I was never bothered by the fact that I used to kiss girls and I was like "Well, duh! Yeah, I test high for bisexual tendencies. I already knew that about myself because of all the girls I once kissed."
This man whom I made sure to tell early in the relationship of my history of relationships to girls interrupted my lighthearted, funny anecdote and snapped at me "You are not bisexual. You are STRAIGHT. You are married to ME and we have two kids together."
So that was the end of that lighthearted, funny bit of silly banter and I made a mental note that "My marriage is probably not going to make it. The man cannot accept me for who I am. Also: Don't casually tell anymore funny stories to the man about having kissed girls."
So I mean it's not like he put me in the ER, so my policy of notifying men upfront was successful in that regard, I guess. But I KNOW I tearfully told him one day that I had been with girls and it was okay if he dumped me over it or some such and he assured me he could accept me and yadda.
I mean I was a teenager and yadda and had attempted suicide not long before this conversation had occurred. I would never again tearfully divulge such info nor have my heart in my mouth about wanting some man to accept me anyway and all that.
I used to kiss girls. It was a long time ago. It's a funny story.
If you got a problem with that, don't ask me for a date. I am not interested in listening to you give me a hard time about it or whatever. I feel fine about it.
So if it is THIS much drama and time and effort and blah blah blah for ME, how much more is it for people who are more queer than I am?
At some point, I decided that my default decision to let most people assume that I was straight inadvertently made life harder for a lot of people who couldn't so readily sweep it under the rug, including potentially my asexual son.
The world having big hangups about such things also helped make Genevieve's life a literal living hell. So for some people this is very much not some annoying but relatively small inconvenience.
No, for some people this is very much personally ruinous and life threatening.
So at some point I decided to do something that is kind of annoying and inconvenient for me personally and be open about the fact that although I essentially have lived as a heterosexual all my adult life, I'm not really hetero. That's not entirely accurate.
I decided to shift the burden to me just a hair and off of other people who are not me and for whom life is more complicated and these issues more burdensome in hopes of making their lives work a tad better and be a tad easier.
And, I mean, I think it's not really anyone's business and I don't think anyone else should feel compelled to wear their sexual wiring or identity on their sleeve. People are entitled to their privacy and ideally we should be able to just not mention it.
But as a practical matter, I think it would help if more people like me chose to be willing to say "Yeah, me 99 percent liking the opposite sex doesn't mean I'm actually straight." and generally give pushback against some of the homophobic, heteronormative cultural stuff that helps make life a living hell for some folks who don't happen to be cis het.
Of course, you can also give pushback without coming out about your private stuff. That can work too.
And ideally someday it will be a private matter and no one will feel compelled to talk about this stuff if they don't want to without that helping foster virulent homophobic violent awfulness in the world.
So I suppose you could say it's a political thing I am doing here. I am doing it for the children -- for my children.
For my biological son and the daughter I never had and others like them.