Tripped across a post from a trans individual who fears being alone and expresses the idea that odds seem long against some other outcome.
During my divorce when I was newly diagnosed with a predominantly Caucasian genetic disorder, I typically walked away from flirty White men who didn't already know about my condition. This led to a series of relationships with mostly "anything but a White man" simply because I wasn't hyperventilating about having another seriously handicapped child with my condition and potentially raising it as a single parent when other men were friendly and chatty.
Any other ethnicity is dramatically less likely to be a carrier and there's no good way to bring it up with a White man who is chatting me up without already knowing about my medical situation.
Advising them upfront kills the conversation and forces them to think heavy thoughts about a flirtation that may never become a serious relationship. Waiting until it's "a serious relationship" and then broaching the topic is likely to be interpreted as a form of entrapment or a bait-and-switch deal.
I was told repeatedly by friends that I would need to abandon my decades old "no dating" policy. No, that never happened.
Let's explain my "no dating" policy.
It doesn't mean I wouldn't, say, have dinner with someone. It means I'm uncomfortably aware that heteronormative culture defaults to men paying for dates in a manner that amounts to polite prostitution because when a man pays a woman's way, he generally expects her to let him at least cop a feel.
I find that enormously offensive and wrote about it in a high school writing assignment and I just don't do that shit. Instead, men need to talk to me and get to know me to try to get next to me. I've generally not lacked for attention, though I complain a lot in recent years that no one ever shows up (more on that later).
The future ex mentioned in the piece may not be doing as well as it seems. If she's willing to "put out" virtually, she may be acting like a free prostitute and not yet know it.
Men are typically looking for SEX. There's a saying : Women give sex to get love. Men give love to get sex.
She may be laughing etc KNOWING her future ex can hear it and intentionally exaggerating it to be hurtful.
The OP likely makes more money than her. Post divorce, men tend to do poorly socially and emotionally and women tend to take a big hit financially. She's likely not in a position to make it as a stripper and wouldn't want to and most women hit the glass ceiling pretty hard, meanwhile women often underestimate or laugh off the social and emotional challenges of their exes like that's not a real problem.
My unintentional hookup method during my divorce: I had a messenger app open all the time when I was online and most of the people contacting me were male and looking for a good time.
Once, I talked for three days with a woman with a child with my condition while she slept on a couch at the hospital. I kept her company and helped her get through a tough time.
But that was a rare exception. It was almost exclusively men looking for a romantic connection. It just took me a while to conclude that's what it almost always was which I had no idea would be the case when this journey began.
I have a general policy to be open about specific things that would likely destroy my hopes of getting action via a dating app. I'm generally likable and people who know me socially find me attractive and I don't want to hear anyone's shit about what happened to me as an abused child or my medical situation.
If someone needs time to process that information and think how they feel about it, they can have that. But they need to figure it out before they go hitting on me because I have no patience for listening to this shit from men.
If my age, weight, diagnosis etc is a deal breaker for someone, they can just keep walking and not bother to chat me up. Rest assured, if someone exits stage right, there will be a long line of men down the street and around the block hoping to be next.
My problem is trying to diplomatically turn men down without cutting my throat. I attract too much male attention and always have and at some point threw in the towel on trying to figure out why because "You're too beautiful to resist!" stopped being true a long time ago and I'm still waiting to be ugly enough for men to ignore me so I can focus on my WORK.
Generally speaking though: I like men. I'm good to my men. I put down my sexual baggage a long time ago. I don't get with people for shallow reasons like looks, money or similar.
I'm considerate, kind, giving and there is no shortage of men who want a piece of that.
I keep complaining no one ever shows up, but during my divorce I met three guys in the flesh whom I initially met online, two via that messenger app. I eventually stopped using that app because it amounted to cruising a bar for hookups and I decided I didn't want that.
I was having meatier relationships long distance and trying to make MY LIFE work and had gotten my fill of "Squee! He's scandalously younger than me!" Or whatever.
My self esteem was fine. I didn't need more assurances about how "attractive" I was. I was looking for an emotional and social connection and finding that and it didn't involve a SINGLE dinner date where some asshole bought me dinner and expected me to put out because he spent some piddling amount on me compared to what a sex worker would charge.
TLDR of my opinion:
1. Be open about being trans in a way that lets potential romantic connections sort out their feels BEFORE hitting on you, not after.
2. TALK to people. Privately. Be emotionally available, kind, considerate and polite.
3. Last, figure out what you want. If you just want attention, you can get that. If you get to some other place, think about it and make choices about what kind of relationship you are looking for.
There is no shortage of people with fetishes who will be happy to sex you up and if that works for you, nothing wrong with it. And it's okay for it to be A Stage and outgrow it.
If you want to FEEL sexy, hey, whatever.
My rule of thumb: Keep it among consenting adults.
There's plenty of things that can keep anyone from finding someone who is marriageable material but that doesn't mean you have to be lonely.
There's 8 billion people on planet Earth. Someone somewhere thinks people exactly like you are hot.
Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup.