I have a genetic disorder that significantly impacts my ability to comfortably have sex. I was sexually abused for years as a child. My mother grew up in Germany during World War II and its aftermath -- AKA Nazi Germany -- and my father grew up in The Great Depression and fought in the front lines of both World War II and Vietnam.
Let's just say I grew up with plenty of unfortunate baggage and negative messaging without getting into all the gory details and I had a hard time finding solutions. I had a hard time finding my way forward on the whole sex and relationships thing. It did not come easily to me.
I had my first child at age 22. It was a difficult pregnancy, a difficult birth and an overall negative experience in many ways, though it left me with a child I adored and a better diet from cutting out so many foods that were a problem while I threw up all day, everyday for most of the pregnancy.
I had my second child at age 24. The pregnancy was easier and the birth was easier, but it all happened very fast in a military hospital.
The first pregnancy and birth were both so hard I never experienced what is apparently a normal stage of giving birth: The urge to push.
With my second child, I did experience the urge to push. After being in labor on and off since the day before, he was born in just 14 minutes once I felt the urge to push.
I crowned his head awkwardly as they physically picked me up and transferred me to a gurney. They RAN me down the hall and told me to STOP PUSHING so they could give me an episiotomy because he was clearly a big baby and they didn't want me to rip.
Stopping for 30 seconds or a minute felt like the longest minute of my life. They gave me the episiotomy, delivered the baby, some very experienced nurse or midwife overestimated his weight as ten pounds because he had such a big head and was endless little fat rolls.
The doctor, who had been still trying to get into a gown as they RAN me into the delivery room, pulled off his medical gown and sort of absent-mindedly used it to gently wipe blood off my thighs.
This man was a part of my life for five minutes or maybe ten, but that moment stuck with me for years and years.
It seemed bizarrely comfortable with human sexuality to me. It was more gentleness than I was used to from a man. I knew men as tough people, not gentle people. Yet it was blood he was wiping up, and a LOT of it, so it certainly didn't strike me as something like "He's a sissy."
He was not the first man and not the last man to make a huge impression on me and give me enormous food for thought concerning human sexuality, kindness, gender roles and how to find my way out of what seemed at times like endless mountains and mountains of BAGGAGE.
But the circumstances of the incident helped clarify something that was sometimes a case of muddy water with other people: He was NOT hitting on me, there was no expectation of a future relationship, he didn't do this so I would "owe" him or to manipulate me or seduce me or any number of other things I might guess at and struggle with at other times.
I never saw him again. I don't think I ever learned his name.
What I learned is that men can be both gentle and tough at the same time. You don't have to hurt a woman or be a generally insensitive ass to be a tough guy or manly man.
And I learned that when you meet someone like that, someone who jars you and shakes up your preconceived notions about sensitive topics that can be hard to address because they are sensitive and private and you don't know who to trust or what's appropriate and so on, the most important thing is simply knowing "This EXISTS. It's POSSIBLE to be like this person. I don't have to be like all the hurt, angry, messed up people I've known so far. I can be SOMETHING ELSE. I can CHOOSE something else."
And you don't NEED to sleep with them or somehow "own" them. In fact, feeling like those things are ESSENTIAL is probably part of what is WRONG with a lot of people.
You can just admire someone, be glad you met them for five minutes, be happy to have positive food for thought for once in your life.
You absolutely don't have to be hellbent on ruining them and making them a victim of YOUR baggage. You don't have to share your baggage with them AT ALL.
You can just act like someone turned on the light in your dark life and use that light to find your way forward.
Let's just say I grew up with plenty of unfortunate baggage and negative messaging without getting into all the gory details and I had a hard time finding solutions. I had a hard time finding my way forward on the whole sex and relationships thing. It did not come easily to me.
I had my first child at age 22. It was a difficult pregnancy, a difficult birth and an overall negative experience in many ways, though it left me with a child I adored and a better diet from cutting out so many foods that were a problem while I threw up all day, everyday for most of the pregnancy.
I had my second child at age 24. The pregnancy was easier and the birth was easier, but it all happened very fast in a military hospital.
The first pregnancy and birth were both so hard I never experienced what is apparently a normal stage of giving birth: The urge to push.
With my second child, I did experience the urge to push. After being in labor on and off since the day before, he was born in just 14 minutes once I felt the urge to push.
I crowned his head awkwardly as they physically picked me up and transferred me to a gurney. They RAN me down the hall and told me to STOP PUSHING so they could give me an episiotomy because he was clearly a big baby and they didn't want me to rip.
Stopping for 30 seconds or a minute felt like the longest minute of my life. They gave me the episiotomy, delivered the baby, some very experienced nurse or midwife overestimated his weight as ten pounds because he had such a big head and was endless little fat rolls.
The doctor, who had been still trying to get into a gown as they RAN me into the delivery room, pulled off his medical gown and sort of absent-mindedly used it to gently wipe blood off my thighs.
This man was a part of my life for five minutes or maybe ten, but that moment stuck with me for years and years.
It seemed bizarrely comfortable with human sexuality to me. It was more gentleness than I was used to from a man. I knew men as tough people, not gentle people. Yet it was blood he was wiping up, and a LOT of it, so it certainly didn't strike me as something like "He's a sissy."
He was not the first man and not the last man to make a huge impression on me and give me enormous food for thought concerning human sexuality, kindness, gender roles and how to find my way out of what seemed at times like endless mountains and mountains of BAGGAGE.
But the circumstances of the incident helped clarify something that was sometimes a case of muddy water with other people: He was NOT hitting on me, there was no expectation of a future relationship, he didn't do this so I would "owe" him or to manipulate me or seduce me or any number of other things I might guess at and struggle with at other times.
I never saw him again. I don't think I ever learned his name.
What I learned is that men can be both gentle and tough at the same time. You don't have to hurt a woman or be a generally insensitive ass to be a tough guy or manly man.
And I learned that when you meet someone like that, someone who jars you and shakes up your preconceived notions about sensitive topics that can be hard to address because they are sensitive and private and you don't know who to trust or what's appropriate and so on, the most important thing is simply knowing "This EXISTS. It's POSSIBLE to be like this person. I don't have to be like all the hurt, angry, messed up people I've known so far. I can be SOMETHING ELSE. I can CHOOSE something else."
And you don't NEED to sleep with them or somehow "own" them. In fact, feeling like those things are ESSENTIAL is probably part of what is WRONG with a lot of people.
You can just admire someone, be glad you met them for five minutes, be happy to have positive food for thought for once in your life.
You absolutely don't have to be hellbent on ruining them and making them a victim of YOUR baggage. You don't have to share your baggage with them AT ALL.
You can just act like someone turned on the light in your dark life and use that light to find your way forward.
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