Nasty and complicated personal entanglements can do a lot more harm to your ability to pursue a life of your choosing than more public enemies. People you slept with and maybe got an STD from or had a child with or whatever can be a much bigger burden on your life and your ability to choose as you see fit than someone who actively doesn't like you but isn't part of your intimate circle.
One of the defining moments of my life occurred at the age of sixteen when I decided that whom I slept with was my business and my decision. That led to the development of a series of policies concerning how I comport myself and I feel strongly that has helped to give me freedom to pursue a life of my choosing.
I used to think closeted gays were people who had relationships with people of the same sex but kept it on the down low. I assumed they were the sort of people who inspire stories and jokes about They were roommates.
In reality, some closeted gays are people in heterosexual relationships -- sometimes even married -- and pretending to be heterosexual to everyone in their life, sometimes even the person with whom they have sex. It has been my observation that this does egregious harm to their mental health and gets worse the longer it goes on.[1]
If you don't want the whole world to know you are gay, cool, it's not really their business. It's a PRIVATE matter.
You don't have to tell people you aren't sleeping with and aren't looking to sleep with. But please do yourself and the world a favor and find some means to actually get your needs met and have a same sex lover, even if you both tell everyone you are roommates or best friends as your cover story.
It's fundamentally unhealthy to let the world into your bedroom to the point where whom you sleep with is dictated by "society" to the point where you cannot get your needs met. Doing so will have consequences for both you and other people you interact with. If you want to live an ethical life where you don't run around hurting other people without cause, you need to find a healthy means to meet your needs.
And don't make excuses.
Jodie Foster gets described as gay or a lesbian in public media since her famous "coming out" speech -- in which she didn't use such words but publicly acknowledged her long-time partner and co-parent Cydney Bernard -- at the Golden Globes in 2013. She was 50 years old and had been acting for 47 years. She made a point of commenting on the fact that she had been in the public eye her whole life and valued her privacy. This was likely said to rebut previous criticism from the gay community over her not being "out."
You are not required to -- as Foster said in her speech -- have a press conference, a fragance and a prime time reality show announcing your sexual orientation and the details of your private life. She had relationships to women and kept it on the down low for a long time while very famous.
Pro Tip: It's helpful to assume that many -- possibly MOST -- of the people asking invasive questions aren't really interested in YOU. Many of them are trying to sort their own problems while protecting their privacy and not sharing intimate details about themselves.
If you get enough of the same question, it can be useful to think about putting out a statement that addresses what you feel needs to be addressed. This may not be a direct answer to the specific question asked.
Yes, these days, even an ordinary Joe can put out such a statement via a personal blog or social media. You should also think through what you do and do not wish to say in person when it comes up conversationally so you are prepared. It will go smoother if you have already thought about it some.
Freddie Mercury and k.d. lang were both open about being gay while intentionally downplaying it. The world knew, but they themselves didn't harp on it and Freddie Mercury typically didn't appear in public with male partners. One piece I read described him as "intentionally distancing himself" from it.
So it wasn't a secret but both of them had some boundaries and didn't want it overly focused on.
Some celebs actively promote the fact that they are married to a particular person or dating a particular person and others actively protect their privacy. Whatever your life circumstances and career choices, you can still make choices about how much you want to highlight this detail of your life.
One of the benefits of coming out is it's pretty hard to marry someone of the same sex if you are closeted -- though maybe not impossible given that Janet Jackson was married for several years to a man that most people thought was just her boyfriend. It would be hard to marry someone and keep it on the down low but it's not entirely unprecedented.
Above, I said something I would like to expand upon:
If you KNOW the answer is a hard no and there is no hope of that changing, answering their questions is a mistake. It will be interpreted as cooperation and as you being open to getting next to them and many people will interpret it that way even if you state strongly in some fashion "I will NEVER sleep with you."
Keep in mind that Actions speak louder than words. If you don't want to sleep with them, DO NOT COOPERATE AT ALL in their agenda to get to know you better.
Them deciding that you are attractive and they would hit that does not give them a right to know intimate details of your life that will help them try to prey upon you.
Lots of people behave in a very predatory fashion when it comes to sex, and you tend to find that out about them when they do something abusive to you, so only give out such info in cases where you are at least willing to consider the possibility of getting with them -- aka "A definite maybe."
If you are definitely gay and trying to figure out how to make life work as a gay person, stop making such chit chat with members of the opposite sex. Just STOP. Entirely.
Keep in mind that no matter what you say, people will make inferences about you based on what they know about you and those inferences may well be wrong and rooted in their own biases. In one episode of Kate and Allie a lesbian couple assumes that Kate and Allie are also gay and they initially go along with it cuz REASONS and finally say at the end "No, we are just two single moms raising our kids together."
You cannot let yourself get too hung up on what people think about you. If you worry too much about that, it's a black hole that will suck up ALL your time and STILL not be remedied.
It's never too late to start living right and do something better than you had before. It's just sometimes a giant nuisance to manage the "PR" end of things because, so very often, hell is other people.
One of the defining moments of my life occurred at the age of sixteen when I decided that whom I slept with was my business and my decision. That led to the development of a series of policies concerning how I comport myself and I feel strongly that has helped to give me freedom to pursue a life of my choosing.
I used to think closeted gays were people who had relationships with people of the same sex but kept it on the down low. I assumed they were the sort of people who inspire stories and jokes about They were roommates.
In reality, some closeted gays are people in heterosexual relationships -- sometimes even married -- and pretending to be heterosexual to everyone in their life, sometimes even the person with whom they have sex. It has been my observation that this does egregious harm to their mental health and gets worse the longer it goes on.[1]
If you don't want the whole world to know you are gay, cool, it's not really their business. It's a PRIVATE matter.
You don't have to tell people you aren't sleeping with and aren't looking to sleep with. But please do yourself and the world a favor and find some means to actually get your needs met and have a same sex lover, even if you both tell everyone you are roommates or best friends as your cover story.
It's fundamentally unhealthy to let the world into your bedroom to the point where whom you sleep with is dictated by "society" to the point where you cannot get your needs met. Doing so will have consequences for both you and other people you interact with. If you want to live an ethical life where you don't run around hurting other people without cause, you need to find a healthy means to meet your needs.
And don't make excuses.
Jodie Foster gets described as gay or a lesbian in public media since her famous "coming out" speech -- in which she didn't use such words but publicly acknowledged her long-time partner and co-parent Cydney Bernard -- at the Golden Globes in 2013. She was 50 years old and had been acting for 47 years. She made a point of commenting on the fact that she had been in the public eye her whole life and valued her privacy. This was likely said to rebut previous criticism from the gay community over her not being "out."
You are not required to -- as Foster said in her speech -- have a press conference, a fragance and a prime time reality show announcing your sexual orientation and the details of your private life. She had relationships to women and kept it on the down low for a long time while very famous.
Some Thoughts
Even if you come out publicly, you don't have to talk about it constantly. You are not required to overshare. Though people may feel entitled to ask you questions, you don't have to answer them.Pro Tip: It's helpful to assume that many -- possibly MOST -- of the people asking invasive questions aren't really interested in YOU. Many of them are trying to sort their own problems while protecting their privacy and not sharing intimate details about themselves.
If you get enough of the same question, it can be useful to think about putting out a statement that addresses what you feel needs to be addressed. This may not be a direct answer to the specific question asked.
Yes, these days, even an ordinary Joe can put out such a statement via a personal blog or social media. You should also think through what you do and do not wish to say in person when it comes up conversationally so you are prepared. It will go smoother if you have already thought about it some.
Freddie Mercury and k.d. lang were both open about being gay while intentionally downplaying it. The world knew, but they themselves didn't harp on it and Freddie Mercury typically didn't appear in public with male partners. One piece I read described him as "intentionally distancing himself" from it.
So it wasn't a secret but both of them had some boundaries and didn't want it overly focused on.
Some celebs actively promote the fact that they are married to a particular person or dating a particular person and others actively protect their privacy. Whatever your life circumstances and career choices, you can still make choices about how much you want to highlight this detail of your life.
One of the benefits of coming out is it's pretty hard to marry someone of the same sex if you are closeted -- though maybe not impossible given that Janet Jackson was married for several years to a man that most people thought was just her boyfriend. It would be hard to marry someone and keep it on the down low but it's not entirely unprecedented.
Above, I said something I would like to expand upon:
You don't have to tell people you aren't sleeping with and aren't looking to sleep with....If you meet someone and they are asking questions clearly rooted in a desire to have you -- and men do this to woman a LOT, so this is likely a bigger issue for gay women than for gay men -- if you are NOT open to the possibility of MAYBE sleeping with them, you should NOT answer their questions.
If you KNOW the answer is a hard no and there is no hope of that changing, answering their questions is a mistake. It will be interpreted as cooperation and as you being open to getting next to them and many people will interpret it that way even if you state strongly in some fashion "I will NEVER sleep with you."
Keep in mind that Actions speak louder than words. If you don't want to sleep with them, DO NOT COOPERATE AT ALL in their agenda to get to know you better.
Them deciding that you are attractive and they would hit that does not give them a right to know intimate details of your life that will help them try to prey upon you.
Lots of people behave in a very predatory fashion when it comes to sex, and you tend to find that out about them when they do something abusive to you, so only give out such info in cases where you are at least willing to consider the possibility of getting with them -- aka "A definite maybe."
If you are definitely gay and trying to figure out how to make life work as a gay person, stop making such chit chat with members of the opposite sex. Just STOP. Entirely.
Keep in mind that no matter what you say, people will make inferences about you based on what they know about you and those inferences may well be wrong and rooted in their own biases. In one episode of Kate and Allie a lesbian couple assumes that Kate and Allie are also gay and they initially go along with it cuz REASONS and finally say at the end "No, we are just two single moms raising our kids together."
You cannot let yourself get too hung up on what people think about you. If you worry too much about that, it's a black hole that will suck up ALL your time and STILL not be remedied.
Footnotes
[1] It's one of the reasons I write this blog: to help people who have been closeted a long time before fully realizing they are actually gay. Often, they now feel they can't come out of the closet because they are "too old" and too many people know them as a straight person.It's never too late to start living right and do something better than you had before. It's just sometimes a giant nuisance to manage the "PR" end of things because, so very often, hell is other people.
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