Persian culture is not merely famously polite, it is infamously polite. There is a tradition called tarof that even the Persians openly make fun of.
Some years before I had any idea this was a thing, a Persian man said to me not long after we met "I don't get involved with women under the age of forty. They are too young." I replied "Well, I guess we shall have to wait for me to turn forty so we can get involved." and he said "An exception can be made for an exceptional lady."
We didn't wait. We hardly ever discussed the age difference again.
It would be a long time before I realized that he basically asked me delicately if I was interested in him by broaching the topic but assuming that the answer was no. He positioned himself such that turning him down would be easier than overcoming his stated objection.
I could have walked away from the proposal by simply agreeing with him that he's wise and, yes, it's too big of an age difference. I could have turned him down while flattering him: "You are a good man to have such a policy."
It seems to me the LGBTQ crowd routinely must grapple with how to delicately inquire as to whether someone is A. LGBTQ to begin with and B. if so, "Would you be open to dating ME in specific?" And my understanding is this is a huge barrier to dating, which is why online dating has been so helpful to this crowd.
It is easier to try to initiate a relationship if at least one of the parties is out in a big way such that other people are certain they are LGBTQ and feel safe approaching them. It reduces the problem space to only one delicate inquiry: Would you be willing to date ME in specific?
But how do you come out, especially if you already have some kind of "public" life? If you already have a serious career and people know you as Ms. Manager or Mr. Car Dealership?
I think you start by telling people privately one-on-one. Start with people close to you and gradually expand the circle of people who know.
I've used this tactic with "shocking" news in my life -- when I was getting divorced after a lengthy marriage -- and my experience in two different online forums suggests that letting as many people as possible know privately before the announcement is public helps minimize drama.
The word shocking is in quotes above because it wasn't shocking news to anyone who knew us well. Blood relatives were in no way surprised by the decision. It was just outsiders who found it shocking that a long marriage was ending.
On one forum, I was very popular and routinely got private emails from other members who wanted to ask me questions because my advice was popular. Probably about a third of the membership had heard privately that I was facing a divorce by the time it got mentioned publicly on list and the "drama" of the announcement blew over in short order because the one person who reacted with shock did not get their shocked reaction repeated and amplified.
Instead, they got the proverbial crickets chirping because most people who were at all invested in me already knew. This one person was basically a critic who was trying to create a scene and didn't get their wish.
In another forum that I had more recently joined, so I had no reason to expect it to be a big deal because people shouldn't have been that personally invested in me, it got stated publicly "cold" without anyone learning privately beforehand. To my surprise, this was much more drama from a crowd who shouldn't have really cared, given that I was new and had no real friends yet.
People who had divorced parents or who were going through a divorce themselves were determined to hang their baggage on me and it was much, much harder to say "Yeah, it's a big change but it's amicable and please don't make this big of a deal out of it."
A public incident comes to mind where the press ran up to Rosie O'Donell and they were asking her "What do you think about Madonna??!!" and she had no idea what they were talking about even though Madonna and Rosie were friends. Madonna was pregnant and this is how Rosie learned of it.
I'm sure that wasn't shocking news to Madonna. My understanding is she planned that pregnancy. But she had kept it private and the press was hot to trot to create a scene, so they made a big deal out of nothing.
If at all possible, tell your inner circle yourself privately. Don't let them hear about it through other parties.
If everyone close to you knows, it is less likely to become drama. People who want to make it into drama will have little to no opening if a lot of people who already know you and are invested in you are aware and are fine with it.
We didn't wait. We hardly ever discussed the age difference again.
It would be a long time before I realized that he basically asked me delicately if I was interested in him by broaching the topic but assuming that the answer was no. He positioned himself such that turning him down would be easier than overcoming his stated objection.
I could have walked away from the proposal by simply agreeing with him that he's wise and, yes, it's too big of an age difference. I could have turned him down while flattering him: "You are a good man to have such a policy."
It seems to me the LGBTQ crowd routinely must grapple with how to delicately inquire as to whether someone is A. LGBTQ to begin with and B. if so, "Would you be open to dating ME in specific?" And my understanding is this is a huge barrier to dating, which is why online dating has been so helpful to this crowd.
It is easier to try to initiate a relationship if at least one of the parties is out in a big way such that other people are certain they are LGBTQ and feel safe approaching them. It reduces the problem space to only one delicate inquiry: Would you be willing to date ME in specific?
But how do you come out, especially if you already have some kind of "public" life? If you already have a serious career and people know you as Ms. Manager or Mr. Car Dealership?
I think you start by telling people privately one-on-one. Start with people close to you and gradually expand the circle of people who know.
I've used this tactic with "shocking" news in my life -- when I was getting divorced after a lengthy marriage -- and my experience in two different online forums suggests that letting as many people as possible know privately before the announcement is public helps minimize drama.
The word shocking is in quotes above because it wasn't shocking news to anyone who knew us well. Blood relatives were in no way surprised by the decision. It was just outsiders who found it shocking that a long marriage was ending.
On one forum, I was very popular and routinely got private emails from other members who wanted to ask me questions because my advice was popular. Probably about a third of the membership had heard privately that I was facing a divorce by the time it got mentioned publicly on list and the "drama" of the announcement blew over in short order because the one person who reacted with shock did not get their shocked reaction repeated and amplified.
Instead, they got the proverbial crickets chirping because most people who were at all invested in me already knew. This one person was basically a critic who was trying to create a scene and didn't get their wish.
In another forum that I had more recently joined, so I had no reason to expect it to be a big deal because people shouldn't have been that personally invested in me, it got stated publicly "cold" without anyone learning privately beforehand. To my surprise, this was much more drama from a crowd who shouldn't have really cared, given that I was new and had no real friends yet.
People who had divorced parents or who were going through a divorce themselves were determined to hang their baggage on me and it was much, much harder to say "Yeah, it's a big change but it's amicable and please don't make this big of a deal out of it."
A public incident comes to mind where the press ran up to Rosie O'Donell and they were asking her "What do you think about Madonna??!!" and she had no idea what they were talking about even though Madonna and Rosie were friends. Madonna was pregnant and this is how Rosie learned of it.
I'm sure that wasn't shocking news to Madonna. My understanding is she planned that pregnancy. But she had kept it private and the press was hot to trot to create a scene, so they made a big deal out of nothing.
If at all possible, tell your inner circle yourself privately. Don't let them hear about it through other parties.
If everyone close to you knows, it is less likely to become drama. People who want to make it into drama will have little to no opening if a lot of people who already know you and are invested in you are aware and are fine with it.
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