Healthy coping mechanisms for being a trans teen. My reply is copied and pasted below (mostly without clickable links):
Mermaids
Recommended Transgender and Intersex Web Sites
Family Equality Council http://www.familyequality.org/ The Family Equality Council works to ensure equality for LGBT families by building community, changing hearts and minds, and advancing social justice for all families.
Families Like Mine http://www.familieslikemine.com/index.html Site for children of GBLT parents. Excellent
FTM International http://www.ftmi.org Female to male transgender site. Books, news, etc. Gender Spectrum: http://www.genderspectrum.org Excellent West Coast web site for gender variant children and their families. Owned and operated by therapist Stephanie Brill.
National Gay and Lesbian Task Force http://www.ngltf.org/index.cfm Inclusive of bisexual and transgender. Excellent current news site.
National Transgender Advocacy Coalition (NTAC) http://www.ntac.org/ Leading legal and political action site. The National Transgender Advocacy Coalition works proactively to reform societal attitudes and the law to achieve equal rights for the transgendered and other gender diverse individuals.
National Transgender Law Institute http://www.transgenderlaw.org/ Transgender legal affairs activist site. Weekly announcements of changes in state or federal law affecting trans people. Searchable database on college and employer transgender policies, hate crime laws.
PFLAG Transgender Network http://www.pflag.org/tnet.html Support organization specifically for transgenders, their families and friends. Special Affiliate chapter of Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG)
PFLAG http://www.pflag.org Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. Support organization for family members and friends of all GLBT individuals. Excellent support for families coming out and recognizing their gay, lesbian, or transgender children or siblings.
Straight Spouse Network http://www.ssnetwk.org/index.shtml International support network for current and former spouses of gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender
Therapist Resource Site for North America: http://ftmichael.tashari.org/therapists.html Lists therapists with experience dealing with transgender issues, sorted by state or province, then by city.
Trans Youth Family Allies http://www.imatyfa.org/index.php TransYouth Family Advocates is a coalition of parents, friends and caring adults dedicated to educating and raising public awareness about the medical and cultural challenges faced by children with gender variant and gender questioning identities and the families who love them..
TransFamily of Cleveland http://www.transfamily.org Excellent Family support site. Newsletter, couples, spouses, parents, and youth discussion elists. Hundreds of members from all over the world.
Excellent Youth Resource Sites: http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/ or http://www.youthresource.com/
http://www.antijen.org
http://www.safeschoolscoalition.org/safe.html
http://www.mermaids.freeuk.com/
http://www.lgbtcampus.org/
http://www.transgenderlaw.org/resources/tlcsschools.htm
http://www.youth-guard.org/gabi/gcresource_gender.htm
http://www.geocities.com/kristiana_gordon/flinks
http://www.trannyboi.com/parents.htm
http://www.campuspride.org/
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Sorry about the formatting. I am having technical issues and not in a position to properly link everything. This is a list given me be someone more in the know than I am. I am just passing it on and not really qualified to comment on most of these resources.
I generally agree with you but I have been told that self harm in trans kids can also be about how alien their body feels to them -- that the brain wiring and the hardware don't match and they just cannot cope with it. I have been told that this piece of it basically is only truly solvable by getting their hardware corrected.
I don't know if that can be proven to be true or not. Most of these kids seem to have a lot of social baggage, so I am not sure it would be possible to clearly separate the two possible sources. However, Mom, I need to be a girl is a case without the self harm and other drama so common for these kids. She got a remarkable amount of support. But that doesn't prove that gender dysphoria isn't a cause of self harm, only that it doesn't necessarily have to be universally true.
I would also wonder if the not-eating is some kind of attempt to stunt their own growth and stave off maturation of the "wrong" body, to extend the window for getting a body more fully in line with their vision of themselves. Since you say the parents don't get it, I am assuming there is no hormone therapy or similar in place. Hormone therapy or hormone suppression can help well before a trans kid is ready for surgery.
Best of luck.
One other AskMe that applies: Questioning my gender, need resources.
Mermaids
Recommended Transgender and Intersex Web Sites
Family Equality Council http://www.familyequality.org/ The Family Equality Council works to ensure equality for LGBT families by building community, changing hearts and minds, and advancing social justice for all families.
Families Like Mine http://www.familieslikemine.com/index.html Site for children of GBLT parents. Excellent
FTM International http://www.ftmi.org Female to male transgender site. Books, news, etc. Gender Spectrum: http://www.genderspectrum.org Excellent West Coast web site for gender variant children and their families. Owned and operated by therapist Stephanie Brill.
National Gay and Lesbian Task Force http://www.ngltf.org/index.cfm Inclusive of bisexual and transgender. Excellent current news site.
National Transgender Advocacy Coalition (NTAC) http://www.ntac.org/ Leading legal and political action site. The National Transgender Advocacy Coalition works proactively to reform societal attitudes and the law to achieve equal rights for the transgendered and other gender diverse individuals.
National Transgender Law Institute http://www.transgenderlaw.org/ Transgender legal affairs activist site. Weekly announcements of changes in state or federal law affecting trans people. Searchable database on college and employer transgender policies, hate crime laws.
PFLAG Transgender Network http://www.pflag.org/tnet.html Support organization specifically for transgenders, their families and friends. Special Affiliate chapter of Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG)
PFLAG http://www.pflag.org Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. Support organization for family members and friends of all GLBT individuals. Excellent support for families coming out and recognizing their gay, lesbian, or transgender children or siblings.
Straight Spouse Network http://www.ssnetwk.org/index.shtml International support network for current and former spouses of gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender
Therapist Resource Site for North America: http://ftmichael.tashari.org/therapists.html Lists therapists with experience dealing with transgender issues, sorted by state or province, then by city.
Trans Youth Family Allies http://www.imatyfa.org/index.php TransYouth Family Advocates is a coalition of parents, friends and caring adults dedicated to educating and raising public awareness about the medical and cultural challenges faced by children with gender variant and gender questioning identities and the families who love them..
TransFamily of Cleveland http://www.transfamily.org Excellent Family support site. Newsletter, couples, spouses, parents, and youth discussion elists. Hundreds of members from all over the world.
Excellent Youth Resource Sites: http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/ or http://www.youthresource.com/
http://www.antijen.org
http://www.safeschoolscoalition.org/safe.html
http://www.mermaids.freeuk.com/
http://www.lgbtcampus.org/
http://www.transgenderlaw.org/resources/tlcsschools.htm
http://www.youth-guard.org/gabi/gcresource_gender.htm
http://www.geocities.com/kristiana_gordon/flinks
http://www.trannyboi.com/parents.htm
http://www.campuspride.org/
--
Sorry about the formatting. I am having technical issues and not in a position to properly link everything. This is a list given me be someone more in the know than I am. I am just passing it on and not really qualified to comment on most of these resources.
I generally agree with you but I have been told that self harm in trans kids can also be about how alien their body feels to them -- that the brain wiring and the hardware don't match and they just cannot cope with it. I have been told that this piece of it basically is only truly solvable by getting their hardware corrected.
I don't know if that can be proven to be true or not. Most of these kids seem to have a lot of social baggage, so I am not sure it would be possible to clearly separate the two possible sources. However, Mom, I need to be a girl is a case without the self harm and other drama so common for these kids. She got a remarkable amount of support. But that doesn't prove that gender dysphoria isn't a cause of self harm, only that it doesn't necessarily have to be universally true.
I would also wonder if the not-eating is some kind of attempt to stunt their own growth and stave off maturation of the "wrong" body, to extend the window for getting a body more fully in line with their vision of themselves. Since you say the parents don't get it, I am assuming there is no hormone therapy or similar in place. Hormone therapy or hormone suppression can help well before a trans kid is ready for surgery.
Best of luck.
One other AskMe that applies: Questioning my gender, need resources.