Consent and a few devilish details

The definition of rape hinges on the detail of consent. There are myriad laws on the books in various jurisdictions that try to suss out situations in which consent could not have meaningfully occurred even in the absence of physical violence, etc.

The most widely known is probably statutory rape. This is generally viewed as sex with a minor under circumstances where had that minor been slightly older, everything would have been fine. The minor said "yes." The minor did not feel pressured. Etc. And, yet, they were a minor and the law says their "yes" doesn't constitute meaningful consent.

Statutory rape generally refers to sex between an adult and a minor past the age of puberty, and may therefore be distinguished from child sexual abuse. Sexual relations with a prepubescent child is typically treated as a more serious crime.

There are circumstances under which a legal adult may be considered incapable of giving meaningful consent, such as when they are too drunk to consent.

In the state of Washington, Indecent liberties laws list out myriad circumstances under which someone was incapable of consent by reason of being mentally defective, mentally incapacitated, or physically helpless, among other things.

When the perpetrator is a health care provider, the victim is a client or patient, and the sexual contact occurs during a treatment session, consultation, interview, or examination. It is an affirmative defense that the defendant must prove by a preponderance of the evidence that the client or patient consented to the sexual contact with the knowledge that the sexual contact was not for the purpose of treatment;

I once kissed a friend goodbye who happened to be a physician. It was at the end of a medical appointment I had with him, a follow up for something really minor, and we spent much of the appointment saying our goodbyes because I was about to move away.

I feel absolutely certain it was consensual but it occurred under circumstances that could have damaged his career and even potentially landed him in jail. It has been food for thought for a lot of years about exactly where to draw that line.

When I was a military spouse (and presumably still), it was illegal for an officer to have sex with the spouse of someone in their unit. It was viewed as similar to statutory rape, a circumstance under which the (presumably) woman was incapable of giving meaningful consent.

I was told by the officer I had an affair with who explained this law to me that no amount of swearing by me that it was consensual would overturn the charges against him if we were caught. The power he had over my husband's career and even potentially over my husband's life -- because an officer can potentially order you to your death -- meant that there is an assumption of compulsion and that I could not meaningfully decline.

The law considers me to be his victim full stop. For this and other reasons, I've kept his secrets for a lot of years.

I don't feel I was his victim. I'm quite clear that I made a choice. I don't regret the relationship. What happened was between he and I and the rest of the world can butt out as far as I am concerned.

I will add one more circumstance that has weighed very heavily upon my mind for a lot of years now for which I am unaware there are any laws: Being too poor to meaningfully consent.

I was one of the top students of my graduating high school class. People tend to attract others of similar IQ. Men that are interested in me are frequently accomplished and monied.

This never means they are willing to open doors for me professionally. It means at best they are interested in playing hero and casting me in the role of damsel in distress whether I like it or not.

If you marry a man with money and his money is the only means of support you have, you potentially cannot stand up to him in an argument. This is highly likely to make you his de facto bitch no matter how politely the situation is masked in sheep's clothing.

I'm a former military wife. I'm very keenly aware that the rights granted me through my husband as a military spouse empowered me to stand my ground when I had disputes with my then husband.

Now, I would like money of my own. Never mind that there are seemingly no laws against it, I am extremely leery of being a dirt poor woman saying 'yes' to a monied man and wondering did I really mean it or was I finally just so desperate for financial relief that making such a deal with the devil made sense in my brain for one hot minute.

There is very often no clear bright line on any of this. It is shockingly common for it to be a case of "The devil is in the details."

But if you want a genuinely consenting relationship, it's worth pondering the edge cases, the places where seemingly "normal" sexual behavior could potentially land someone in jail. It can provide you a few mental litmus tests to carry into the future with you.