Years ago, I had a class in social psychology. The single biggest takeaway I got from that is "Don't do this crap of taking someone back after you give them ultimatums and they fail to meet them and then you dump them."
The class covered an example of a woman who lived with a guy and wanted him to marry her and he wouldn't and she dumped him because some old high school sweetheart of hers showed up and asked her to marry him and she said yes. The live-in boyfriend talked her into taking him back on the idea that he would finally actually marry her, so she did and then he didn't marry her.
Rather than being furious about being lied to and screwed over, she was happier than ever, having convinced herself he must REALLY matter to her, she must REALLY love him, etc. It's a variation of sunk cost fallacy: She gave up this other guy to keep her loser BF and doesn't want to feel like "Well, shit, I got burned here, you lying rat bastard."
I've had kind of on again, off again relationships. For me, they generally follow a pattern of drifting slowly apart and not hearing from each other for a while sometimes rather than "officially" breaking up and getting back together over and over.
By the time I dump someone, I have generally put substantial time and effort into saying "X is a problem and MUST stop" and not getting the results I need.
I don't expect perfection. I'm aware things can take time to remedy and I'm willing to give someone latitude if I feel they are making adequate progress, but by the time I dump them, I've decided "This does NOT work."
Contrary to what other people seem to frequently THINK, I am not the forgiving sort. I find it sort of baffling that people so often seem to believe I am when I am really not.
I think one factor is that I am the understanding sort, but it is much more literal than people seem to comprehend. I spent a lot of time in therapy and what not, so I habitually do a lot of analysis of what is going on in my relationships and I can see why they made the choices they made.
Somehow people seem to think that means I am okay with them doing that and will forgive it and take them back. No, what it means is that I have already discussed this with you repeatedly and explained to you why you do the stupid shit you do and if you didn't stop it after repeated requests and I dumped you, you've already had all the "second chances" you are going to get.
Like anyone, I may have lingering feelings and I may still need time to get closure and all that, so I may sometimes indulge fantasies that we'll get it sorted or whatever. But whatever superficial emotional stuff is going on that may be influenced by me having a bad day and wanting to imagine someone still loves me or whatever, when push comes to shove, that's just not how I roll and never really has been.
Pro tip: If you are in a messed up relationship, dump them over their abusive shit and then make the mistake of taking them back, the abuse almost always gets worse when you take them back because you have basically just told them something like "I like sleeping with you so much, I will put up with your shit."
So if you don't want to be abused, I strongly suggest that you make it a policy to not ever handle things that way. It's simply not an effective methodology.
The class covered an example of a woman who lived with a guy and wanted him to marry her and he wouldn't and she dumped him because some old high school sweetheart of hers showed up and asked her to marry him and she said yes. The live-in boyfriend talked her into taking him back on the idea that he would finally actually marry her, so she did and then he didn't marry her.
Rather than being furious about being lied to and screwed over, she was happier than ever, having convinced herself he must REALLY matter to her, she must REALLY love him, etc. It's a variation of sunk cost fallacy: She gave up this other guy to keep her loser BF and doesn't want to feel like "Well, shit, I got burned here, you lying rat bastard."
I've had kind of on again, off again relationships. For me, they generally follow a pattern of drifting slowly apart and not hearing from each other for a while sometimes rather than "officially" breaking up and getting back together over and over.
By the time I dump someone, I have generally put substantial time and effort into saying "X is a problem and MUST stop" and not getting the results I need.
I don't expect perfection. I'm aware things can take time to remedy and I'm willing to give someone latitude if I feel they are making adequate progress, but by the time I dump them, I've decided "This does NOT work."
Contrary to what other people seem to frequently THINK, I am not the forgiving sort. I find it sort of baffling that people so often seem to believe I am when I am really not.
I think one factor is that I am the understanding sort, but it is much more literal than people seem to comprehend. I spent a lot of time in therapy and what not, so I habitually do a lot of analysis of what is going on in my relationships and I can see why they made the choices they made.
Somehow people seem to think that means I am okay with them doing that and will forgive it and take them back. No, what it means is that I have already discussed this with you repeatedly and explained to you why you do the stupid shit you do and if you didn't stop it after repeated requests and I dumped you, you've already had all the "second chances" you are going to get.
Like anyone, I may have lingering feelings and I may still need time to get closure and all that, so I may sometimes indulge fantasies that we'll get it sorted or whatever. But whatever superficial emotional stuff is going on that may be influenced by me having a bad day and wanting to imagine someone still loves me or whatever, when push comes to shove, that's just not how I roll and never really has been.
Pro tip: If you are in a messed up relationship, dump them over their abusive shit and then make the mistake of taking them back, the abuse almost always gets worse when you take them back because you have basically just told them something like "I like sleeping with you so much, I will put up with your shit."
So if you don't want to be abused, I strongly suggest that you make it a policy to not ever handle things that way. It's simply not an effective methodology.
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