Data suggest that online dating apps have been a boon for the gay community. The internet has helped foster an uptick in the ability to meet a potential romantic partner at all, however it isn't without its challenges.
In another scene that I am failing to find a clip of, Thomas tells Catherine he wanted her to be upset about Anna. He needed to know if Catherine was actually in love with him or if it was just about the painting.
Of course, if you barely know someone, information from a third party can also go bad places. In Notting Hill, Will overhears a co-star ask Anna who he is and when she says "No one. It's a bit of an awkward situation. I don't know what he's doing here." Will leaves, not realizing she is merely trying to protect her privacy.
One difference here is that Catherine Banning in The Thomas Crown Affair learns information from a contact of hers. Furthermore, she can trust the info because it was revealed in the course of her contact doing his job, which involves investigative work -- he gets paid to reveal the truth, essentially.
In contrast, Will is listening in to a conversation between Anna Scott and a costar of hers. It's not someone Will knows himself and Will is unaware that Anna's opinion is that the man is a huge gossip.
So social context can be useful, but only if it actually provides an additional reliable source of information. Otherwise it constitutes noise that makes things worse, not better.
Online dating is such a boon to the gay community in part because LGBTQ individuals are often surrounded by unaccepting relatives and homophobic coworkers and so forth. So removing the noise from their dating life actually improves it.
However that still leaves LGBTQ individuals needing to engage in a discovery process that can be hampered by the lack of social context. They can be left with some challenges in how to get to know each other effectively because of being denied the additional information that social context can provide when it works well.
One thing you can do is just be very honest.
People in dating situations are frequently not simply "being themselves." They are frequently trying to be what they think other people would want or expect and this actively undermines the process of establishing a meaningful relationship.
The movie White Chicks has a hilarious example of this type of deception backfiring.
A Black male undercover cop is posing as a White woman and he has won a date with a Black man. He is trying to be as repulsive as possible to get the man to lose interest in him and he thinks he knows what "Black men" like and don't like because he is one. But everything he does to try to repel the man only makes the man like him more. So don't assume that "They won't like me if I tell them the truth." or "They won't like me if I admit that about myself." Such assumptions go weird places in dating situations on a routine basis and are probably more of a risk if you are newly out of the closet and trying to figure out what you even like or don't like to begin with.
People are often afraid of being honest. If you have been closeted a long time, it is likely that you tend to feel "The truth hurts" rather than "The truth shall set you free."
Some rules of thumb for how to be honest without cutting your own throat:
If you genuinely like them and want to see them again, you can truthfully tell them something like "Well, I normally go for x not y, but it's not a dealbreaker. I love your laugh. I love your interest in art. I really enjoy your company. I would like to see you again."
The goal is to get to know each other honestly so you can work things out effectively. Exactly how you do that doesn't really matter.
It isn't essential or even particularly important for the relationship to be pursued via some larger social context. It's perfectly fine to pursue it completely privately.
Just don't take a total stranger at their word and let them snow you. That's a good way to get taken advantage of.
Shared social context provides substantial valuable feedback concerning what is true... A lack of shared context interferes with the essential discovery process necessary for both parties to understand ... what exactly they are getting themselves into.In The Thomas Crown Affair, Thomas Crown and Catherine Banning end up romantically involved even though they've never met before. One issue that comes up is that Catherine is under the impression that he is romantically involved with Anna, the woman he is dancing with in this scene when Catherine cuts in: Catherine later learns from a third party that the relationship between Thomas and Anna is very much platonic. Anna is the daughter of a friend of his and Thomas was Anna's legal guardian at one time. Learning the truth from a third party carried more weight than if Thomas had simply tried to explain it himself. If Thomas had simply told Catherine "We aren't romantically involved, I swear!" Catherine would have no real reason to believe that. He could be lying.
In another scene that I am failing to find a clip of, Thomas tells Catherine he wanted her to be upset about Anna. He needed to know if Catherine was actually in love with him or if it was just about the painting.
Of course, if you barely know someone, information from a third party can also go bad places. In Notting Hill, Will overhears a co-star ask Anna who he is and when she says "No one. It's a bit of an awkward situation. I don't know what he's doing here." Will leaves, not realizing she is merely trying to protect her privacy.
Who's that chap? No one.
One difference here is that Catherine Banning in The Thomas Crown Affair learns information from a contact of hers. Furthermore, she can trust the info because it was revealed in the course of her contact doing his job, which involves investigative work -- he gets paid to reveal the truth, essentially.
In contrast, Will is listening in to a conversation between Anna Scott and a costar of hers. It's not someone Will knows himself and Will is unaware that Anna's opinion is that the man is a huge gossip.
So social context can be useful, but only if it actually provides an additional reliable source of information. Otherwise it constitutes noise that makes things worse, not better.
Online dating is such a boon to the gay community in part because LGBTQ individuals are often surrounded by unaccepting relatives and homophobic coworkers and so forth. So removing the noise from their dating life actually improves it.
However that still leaves LGBTQ individuals needing to engage in a discovery process that can be hampered by the lack of social context. They can be left with some challenges in how to get to know each other effectively because of being denied the additional information that social context can provide when it works well.
One thing you can do is just be very honest.
People in dating situations are frequently not simply "being themselves." They are frequently trying to be what they think other people would want or expect and this actively undermines the process of establishing a meaningful relationship.
The movie White Chicks has a hilarious example of this type of deception backfiring.
A Black male undercover cop is posing as a White woman and he has won a date with a Black man. He is trying to be as repulsive as possible to get the man to lose interest in him and he thinks he knows what "Black men" like and don't like because he is one. But everything he does to try to repel the man only makes the man like him more. So don't assume that "They won't like me if I tell them the truth." or "They won't like me if I admit that about myself." Such assumptions go weird places in dating situations on a routine basis and are probably more of a risk if you are newly out of the closet and trying to figure out what you even like or don't like to begin with.
People are often afraid of being honest. If you have been closeted a long time, it is likely that you tend to feel "The truth hurts" rather than "The truth shall set you free."
Some rules of thumb for how to be honest without cutting your own throat:
- Give people "enough rope to hang themselves." I typically take a small risk early on and see what people do with my trust under circumstances where their betrayal won't be ruinous. It will just tell me "They can't be trusted." and "It's time to move on."
- Accept that it's better to know earlier rather than later that "We simply aren't compatible and this will not actually fly." Consider it to be a form of efficiency to get dumped earlier rather than later.
- Remember that "People who value brutal honesty like brutality more than honesty." Being honest doesn't require you to be ugly about it. You can learn to be both honest and diplomatic.
If you genuinely like them and want to see them again, you can truthfully tell them something like "Well, I normally go for x not y, but it's not a dealbreaker. I love your laugh. I love your interest in art. I really enjoy your company. I would like to see you again."
The goal is to get to know each other honestly so you can work things out effectively. Exactly how you do that doesn't really matter.
It isn't essential or even particularly important for the relationship to be pursued via some larger social context. It's perfectly fine to pursue it completely privately.
Just don't take a total stranger at their word and let them snow you. That's a good way to get taken advantage of.