This is kind of a post about BDSM and kind of not. BDSM is short for "Bondage and Discipline; Dominance and Submission; Sadism and Masochism."
So for all that it is just four letters long, it actually lists six different sexual profiles found in some individuals and does so in a way that pairs them up with their logical counterpart.
If you are, say, a sexual sadist who gets off on hurting people, getting with someone who gets off on being hurt is the logical and ethical way to handle that. Randomly hurting people who don't enjoy it and don't want it and didn't think they were signing up for such when they agreed to sleep with you is not ethical.
Randomly hurting social acquaintances in some fashion who made the mistake of accidentally meeting you is even worse. Ethical people simply don't do that. They keep their sexual fetish among consenting adults.
I saw an Ask on Metafilter once where someone was asking how to better handle their sex life and she said, among other things, she was missing a small chunk of her lip from being bit during sex. She said it "wasn't a BDSM thing" and that she "just liked the intensity."
At least some people in replies essentially told her "This is BDSM and you need an experienced Top who knows how to not hurt you while delivering the level of intensity you desire/require to get you there."
She apparently saw BDSM as an expression of psychological dysfunction, which seems to be the general consensus, and I think was trying to say "I don't have psychological or emotional dysfunction. I don't need to see a therapist. This is just a physical intensity thing."
It's possible she had sensory issues that may or may not have been properly diagnosed. I imagine even if she had a diagnosis of sensory issues, she was probably not told "This may impact your sexual preferences/what works for you in bed."
Temple Grandin, a famous person with a diagnosis of Autism and also a very talented person with a PhD who is very influential in her field, invented a squeeze machine to help treat the sensory issues commonly found in some populations, including but not limited to ASD individuals. People tried to tell her that she must be a pervert and her squeeze machine was not physical therapy.
Never mind HER stated motive for using it and how much it benefited her ability to be functional, don't confuse them with the facts. They were sure it was evidence she was into BDSM.
I've never been a member of the BDSM community. Presumably, BDSM can be an expression of psychological dysfunction and this post is here in part because Genevieve was a sadist who tortured me.
Prior to meeting me, Genevieve was horrendously abused for her entire short life. Hopefully, she's changed in the years since escaping her awful, abusive family.
I think Genevieve had known so much pain that it was the only feeling to which she could readily relate. I suspect there are other LGBTQ individuals who are likely inclined towards BDSM due to also being thoroughly mistreated by homophobes so consistently that they may not know that life doesn't have to be like that.
Genevieve was certainly SHOCKED that I was nice to her, so shocked, she ultimately couldn't accept me being part of her life. She kicked me to the curb and burned me. According to a statement by a mutual acquaintance, she likely ran around telling people lies about me after ditching me.
Abuse was all she had known. Abusive people are only ever "nice" to set you up for something. I think she was convinced that I must be the most evil person ever because I was consistently nice to her for the entire nine months she knew me, so I must be setting her up for a REAL DOOZY.
So, first, if you ARE LBGTQ and ALSO into BDSM and not happy about it, please don't conflate those two things. Most likely, if you are psychologically screwed up and that's why you can't get off without hurting someone or being hurt or some such, it's not per se because you are LGBTQ.
It's probably because you have been mistreated your whole life by homophobes. You can remap your sexuality and learn to get off without tormenting yourself, either before or afterwards. Simply KNOWING that can help you find your way forward.
Second, if you are specifically into bondage, you may have sensory issues. Like the person on Metafilter who said "I just like the intensity. It's NOT BDSM." it may be a physical thing, at least in part.
Magnesium deficiency can make you light and noise sensitive and can promote a need for firm touch. A need for firm touch may be readily met by bondage but can also be met without resorting to bondage.
Maybe you just need someone with a firm hand who will hold you close. With the lights off, not on. (Also, take your magnesium. Or, you know, eat some dark chocolate.)
If BDSM is your thing and you are part of a BDSM community and happy with your lifestyle, this post is not a criticism of your choices. Please keep it among consenting adults, but don't interpret this post as me telling you "Get therapy, you sicko! GRAR!" It's not.
But if you feel tormented and don't like what it takes for you to get sexual relief, it may be worth exploring the possibility that you have sensory issues and/or baggage from being treated abusively.
It's possible to find ways to meet your sexual needs without feeling awful about it. Distinguishing the aftermath of abuse from sexual orientation or identifying sensory issues as a factor can be a step in the right direction if that's a thing you desire to sort out.
So for all that it is just four letters long, it actually lists six different sexual profiles found in some individuals and does so in a way that pairs them up with their logical counterpart.
If you are, say, a sexual sadist who gets off on hurting people, getting with someone who gets off on being hurt is the logical and ethical way to handle that. Randomly hurting people who don't enjoy it and don't want it and didn't think they were signing up for such when they agreed to sleep with you is not ethical.
Randomly hurting social acquaintances in some fashion who made the mistake of accidentally meeting you is even worse. Ethical people simply don't do that. They keep their sexual fetish among consenting adults.
I saw an Ask on Metafilter once where someone was asking how to better handle their sex life and she said, among other things, she was missing a small chunk of her lip from being bit during sex. She said it "wasn't a BDSM thing" and that she "just liked the intensity."
At least some people in replies essentially told her "This is BDSM and you need an experienced Top who knows how to not hurt you while delivering the level of intensity you desire/require to get you there."
She apparently saw BDSM as an expression of psychological dysfunction, which seems to be the general consensus, and I think was trying to say "I don't have psychological or emotional dysfunction. I don't need to see a therapist. This is just a physical intensity thing."
It's possible she had sensory issues that may or may not have been properly diagnosed. I imagine even if she had a diagnosis of sensory issues, she was probably not told "This may impact your sexual preferences/what works for you in bed."
Temple Grandin, a famous person with a diagnosis of Autism and also a very talented person with a PhD who is very influential in her field, invented a squeeze machine to help treat the sensory issues commonly found in some populations, including but not limited to ASD individuals. People tried to tell her that she must be a pervert and her squeeze machine was not physical therapy.
Never mind HER stated motive for using it and how much it benefited her ability to be functional, don't confuse them with the facts. They were sure it was evidence she was into BDSM.
I've never been a member of the BDSM community. Presumably, BDSM can be an expression of psychological dysfunction and this post is here in part because Genevieve was a sadist who tortured me.
Prior to meeting me, Genevieve was horrendously abused for her entire short life. Hopefully, she's changed in the years since escaping her awful, abusive family.
I think Genevieve had known so much pain that it was the only feeling to which she could readily relate. I suspect there are other LGBTQ individuals who are likely inclined towards BDSM due to also being thoroughly mistreated by homophobes so consistently that they may not know that life doesn't have to be like that.
Genevieve was certainly SHOCKED that I was nice to her, so shocked, she ultimately couldn't accept me being part of her life. She kicked me to the curb and burned me. According to a statement by a mutual acquaintance, she likely ran around telling people lies about me after ditching me.
Abuse was all she had known. Abusive people are only ever "nice" to set you up for something. I think she was convinced that I must be the most evil person ever because I was consistently nice to her for the entire nine months she knew me, so I must be setting her up for a REAL DOOZY.
So, first, if you ARE LBGTQ and ALSO into BDSM and not happy about it, please don't conflate those two things. Most likely, if you are psychologically screwed up and that's why you can't get off without hurting someone or being hurt or some such, it's not per se because you are LGBTQ.
It's probably because you have been mistreated your whole life by homophobes. You can remap your sexuality and learn to get off without tormenting yourself, either before or afterwards. Simply KNOWING that can help you find your way forward.
Second, if you are specifically into bondage, you may have sensory issues. Like the person on Metafilter who said "I just like the intensity. It's NOT BDSM." it may be a physical thing, at least in part.
Magnesium deficiency can make you light and noise sensitive and can promote a need for firm touch. A need for firm touch may be readily met by bondage but can also be met without resorting to bondage.
Maybe you just need someone with a firm hand who will hold you close. With the lights off, not on. (Also, take your magnesium. Or, you know, eat some dark chocolate.)
If BDSM is your thing and you are part of a BDSM community and happy with your lifestyle, this post is not a criticism of your choices. Please keep it among consenting adults, but don't interpret this post as me telling you "Get therapy, you sicko! GRAR!" It's not.
But if you feel tormented and don't like what it takes for you to get sexual relief, it may be worth exploring the possibility that you have sensory issues and/or baggage from being treated abusively.
It's possible to find ways to meet your sexual needs without feeling awful about it. Distinguishing the aftermath of abuse from sexual orientation or identifying sensory issues as a factor can be a step in the right direction if that's a thing you desire to sort out.