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The Closet

At one time, I thought that being a "closeted gay" meant something like you slept alone or dated same-sex people secretly. I have come to understand that term differently over the years.

For some people, being a closeted gay means pursuing heteronormative relationships up to and including marrying and even having kids in some cases to hide their orientation. In some cases, they may not even realize they are gay because they have been so thoroughly inculcated with the idea that liking members of the opposite sex is the only option.

So there can be a self-discovery process involved in coming out of the closet.

In other words, some people may need to first realize they don't really find members of the opposite sex attractive. That may have been previously unthinkable due to their upbringing.

If you are gay and in a heteronormative relationship, be aware that you may well not be the only person with some secret. Your partner may have something to hide as well and that may be part of why you clicked for them.

Here is a super cute story where that was a happy coincidence: Mother who realized she was gay at the same time as her husband came out as transgender says they are happier than ever as a lesbian couple.

But it often isn't all sweetness and light. Here are some other possible scenarios:
  • You are both closeted gays. You can help each other come out and go your separate ways with minimal drama but you probably don't get happily ever after with each other.
  • You are closeted due to a religious upbringing and they have different religious baggage that made the relationship work for them. You may be able to go your separate ways with minimal drama but probably don't get happily ever after together.
  • They have some uncommon sexual need that you fulfilled, like strong emotion. This is probably not dangerous for you but they may need therapy to sort their baggage. You probably don't get happily ever after with them.
  • They are on a power trip and actively enjoy the fact that you don't like sex with them, you don't feel able to turn them down, etc. This is probably an abusive relationship and downright dangerous to you and probably actively harmful to you. Like anyone in an abusive relationship, you may need to actively seek to escape their control over you, which is always challenging and often dangerous.
This is not intended to be some kind of comprehensive catalog of possible scenarios, just realize that if you are a closeted gay involved in a superficially heteronormative relationship, you are probably not the only party who has some kind of secret, compelling reason why this arrangement works.

Some of those secrets may be perfectly innocent and harmless. Others may be problematic. Some may be seriously problematic.

Put your safety first. If you are afraid of your partner or vulnerable in practical terms -- such as financially dependent and could potentially be thrown out into the streets with nothing -- take your fears or concerns seriously.

I don't have any guidelines or rules of thumb for what kind of person to bet on trusting. Religious people are sometimes wonderful and supportive when their partner comes out as gay, even if it means "We are certainly splitting up." Other times, religious people are going to be judgy and react badly, etc.

You know your partner better than I do. Trust YOUR feelings on the matter.

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